Mind Blown

Scars and all.
Resentment six feet tall.
My heart is yours.
I've zeroed scores.

Failure be damned.
My guns are manned.
I search for land.
Telescope in hand.

My bounce hitting crest.
I hope to coast before I rest.
Plateau this high.
Enjoy the sky.
Bask in my sun.
Undone is done.

Seriously...

That woe is me shit is for the birds.

Honestly, I never believed it to begin with. I was just trying some reverse psychology on the universe.

Happy New Years people.

I'm wrong.
It's just hit me.
I keep hitting a wall because I'm not right.
In the head.
In my actions.
In my perseverance.
I'm wrong.

Delusional, sad and defeated.
I wish you all a happy holidays.

Everyday...

I do something more worthy of derision. Everyday I feel deserving of this unending sentence of poverty.
My skin is a mess, my clothes dirty and wrinkled. I could be mistaken for a homeless person if I didn't refrain from talking to myself in public and confine it to the safety of my own home.

One day it won't be like this.
I just hope it's one day soon.

Bumbling 90th

Somehow, I feel at ease.
Considering what I've been through in the past 3 years, I know I could feel worse.
I'm a delusional crazy person and I have staked my life on my ability to perform in an area where I've only marginally succeeded in the past.
I have good contacts but moderate abilities to make anything of those connections.
I have great ideas and no way of making those ideas come to fruition.
I had faith in myself where maybe I shouldn't have.
I'm a failure.
This feels like another stumbling block on a road to lower mediocrity.
I really thought I was special.

I would give my left ovary...

for a big, hot cup of coffee.

Idolatry

I religiously read the Sassy Curmudgeon's blog for the stitches it puts me in.
Her blog today was terse and effective. It also parallels my own day's happenings.
I bought toilet paper for the first time in a long time this morning.
For the sake of saving you the gory details of, well, I'll tastefully end mine the same way.

That is all.

Darkness...

The buzzer rang a few minutes ago. I did my usual hiding and tiptoeing to see who was here that needed avoiding. When I got to the window, there was a car from Con Edison double parked in front of the building.

A few minutes later the lights went out. Now I have to worry about the food in my refrigerator going bad.

Passed Out, Present, Future.

I started getting food from a neighborhood pantry about a month and a half ago.

Every week I stand on that line I hope it will be my last.

I woke up very early this morning. It was what most people would still consider night time.

At around 10:45 am, after briefly falling back to sleep, I made my weekly sojourn to get groceries provided by a church not far from my house. The air was crisp but I was dressed well for the inevitable wait. I stood at the back of the line for ten minutes before it happened.

I suddenly felt light headed and the next thing I can remember is waking up with people standing around me. They said I was having a seizure , I think I just passed out. I've never had either happen to me before. I hadn't lost control of my bodily functions and I was able to get up (crouched ) shortly after the episode. People scraped their pockets for loose change and bought me a bagel with cream cheese and a cup of tea with milk and sugar. 

While I sat and ate, they held my place on the line. 

Since pantry day is usually Thursday, there was nothing doing on Thanksgiving and I didn't have much to eat for a whole week. 

Maybe next week will be my last week.