Kidney Anyone?

I'm considering selling an organ on the black market.
Anyone know someone in need?
I have no idea what my blood type is.

Be Bold...

Mighty forces will aid you.

My daily aphorisms are acts of self preservation.
My daily grip on hope for my future is tenuous at best.
I hope things will get better. I hope to sign on to my email account and find the thing that I need to rescue myself from the current mire I find myself in.

Without them, I sleep a lot more, my work becomes unbearable and the pressure of my failure will slowly crush the air out of my lungs.

So I apologize to my readers for having to put up with the chronically annoying blog entries. It's my plea to the universe for a reversal of fortune.

Crab Apple

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Don't mistake this for self pity.
I think I might be the most annoying person in all of New York City.
I'm obnoxious, I'm loud,
I quote Maureen Dowd.
I make fun of transplants.
But so were my grandparents.

I'm still kind to strangers who don't seem like danger.
I don't fear the rough 'hoods like I do rural back woods.
I'm pretentious and snide, the subways I ride.
In love with diversity and when street kids curse at me.
All my money is spent on ridiculous rent.

Trendy clubs, scenes and bars,
and still can't drive a car.
Eat out more than in, I can cook.
It's a sin.

The summers here suck, but alas there's still luck.

Four seasons, that's right, relief's always in sight.

There's no place like home when you're bored or alone.

Neighbors just through the wall, I can hear their phone call,

or bless them when sneezing, the winters are freezing.

Public school educated,
can't count the douche bags I've dated,
this place is my home,
though the world I still roam.

For The Bible Tells Me So

I was named after my mother. Our first and middle names are reversed in an exercise in vanity, I suppose. Before that, my first name is also my grandmother's middle name. I guess vanity is genetic.
I would personally never pass my name along to my progeny.
The reasons:

1. No one pronounces it correctly.
2.There's an angry phone throwing supermodel with the same name. Though I increasingly agree with her world views on assault.
3. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was so vain as to have children (selfish) and then name them after myself (enormously narcissistic).

I recently met someone named Ruth who may have a huge impact on my tiny business and have used the biblical connection our two names have to get her attention.

They were basically lesbians. I don't know how well this is going to work out for me.

will

a piece of paper

what I leave behind
how i make things happen
the force of my mind


what I lend to you, 
when your own is waning
what will get me through 
when I feel like complaining


Conviction and strength 
slight after slight
reeling, incensed
I continue to fight


unbroken, 
unharmed.
failure be warned,
here you'll find no cheap thrill
you would only meet ill.


there isn't much chance
I've come through the worst
you've taken your stance
but my will wins the purse

Ok kay kay

As far back as I can remember, I've been the person in the group of my friends that was embarrassing. Whether it was my shocking naivety or my over wrought emotional reaction to things most people sneeze at, I always needed hushing. I was always someone to be mocked, derided and laughed at.
Before I hit my twenties, I was way more introspective. Not shy, just reticent. I had a very low esteem of the world around me. I watched people who supposedly loved each other do the cruelest possible thing in a given circumstance for the sake of it. I watched people get taken advantage of.
The unfairness of the world was obvious to me from a very young age.

Now that I'm older, now that I see that the world I've carved out for myself is just as crummy as the one I was wrought from, I'm ready to be silent again.
I've said my piece. And when it's time to speak again, maybe I won't be laughed at. Maybe I'll be wiser.

One Day Soon...

I'll sleep in a bed.
I'll have a clear head.
I'll do what I want.
Be proud but not flaunt.

One Day Soon...
The tides will have turned.
Life's lessons well learned.
My reach for the sky
won't retract and die.

One Day Soon...
My smile will be pure.
My walk will be sure.
My debts will be paid.
All worries allayed.

One Day Soon...
I'll have good news to share.
No need for despair.
The time will have come.
The day will be done.

NO!

I'm in sales. I hear new variations of the word no everyday. Sometimes polite, most quick and rude.
I present myself and the company I work for with honesty, grace and as unobtrusively as possible. I'm not rude, unpleasant or unskillful. Yet when people get to the point in my two second pitch where they understand that I'm attempting to sell something to them, regardless of what it is or how I sell it, they dismiss me without cause.
Even the people who are interested in the company are curt.
It really doesn't make sense in my head.
It's not the rejection that drives me crazy, its the attitude people have towards salespeople that drives me to drink (smoke).
I guess its humanity in general that brings me to my knees everyday.
The utter lack of courtesy, patience and respect.
I don't keep people and if you don't have the time to talk to me (how much daily time do you spend on Facebook, liars?), just say it's not a good time and I'll call you at some other juncture.
I don't want to talk to people who don't want to talk to me.
Here's what, If you can't beat'em, join'em.

I'm about to become the pushiest, nastiest sales rep of sustainable business products and solar energy the tri state area has ever seen.

Sometimes I Wonder...

I'm squatting.
Seriously. Haven't paid rent since January.
My landlord has known me and my family for years. I'll grant you that the many years we've known him he's been the contractual recipient of thousands of dollars while the apartment has been a typical NYC apartment.

No heat or hot water.
No laundry or amenities.
Old plumbing and electricity.
Crumbling roof, leaks.
Infestations of the rodent and roachy kind, etc...

After years of almost every tenant calling 311 to complain, the Department of Buildings finally showed up and under court order, turned the thermostat up. Now I can take short warm showers at the wee hours of the morning before the rest of the building wakes up.
The building is 109 years old. Parquet floors, fireplaces, Crown molding blah, blah, blah. The facade and the hallways are horribly under maintained but once you walk into the actual apartments, you'd never believe what a shithole the building looks like from the outside.

I'm not making excuses for not paying my rent. I don't have it to pay. I'm sure if the lease hadn't run out two years ago he would have had the requisite papers drawn up and taken me to court. As of now, I've promised him that he'll have his money next week.

What are the odds?

I'm not looking forward to homelessness. It'll certainly be an experience.

Another Day...

Everyday I live relatively comfortably, I know how lucky I am.
Every Thursday I stand on a line for a bag of free groceries at a church in my neighborhood, I know these are resources to be grateful for.
There are people I depend on who have been kind, understanding and generous.
I'm not glib. Circumstances are not optimal.
I won't pretend to be a sunny optimist, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.
I could be worse off.
I'm certainly not complacent either. I am daily striving for a better life.
I know what I deserve but I won't take what I have for granted.

People Are Assholes

Not all people.
God knows I wouldn't be here but for the kindness of strangers.
Some people are kind and generous.
Most people are assholes.

That is all.

When the lights go out.

I haven't paid my electricity bill in a while. I set up a payment plan hoping to have secured the required upfront payment of $60 by now. I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but I expect the power to go out eminently. It's part of life, these ebbs and flows. I can work in the dark if I have to. I don't have much choice.

They say it's always darkest before the dawn.

On this, the day of my birth...

I'm sure of few things in this life.

I know:
I will succeed.
I am capable, smart and resourceful.

Sometimes, it's hard to see these things.
Hard to forecast the future when times are tough.
But I will not give up.
New opportunities will always find me.
Life will be exponentially better very soon.

Happy Birthday me.

And Gramps too.

Aging Fools

I'm going to be 29 tomorrow.
I won't pretend I had outrageously high hopes that I would be jetting off to Paris to celebrate. I thought maybe I would be solvent by now. I thought maybe, I'd be able to buy myself a meal or a drink.
Instead, I find myself wondering how I'll keep my lights on past Tuesday.
I have not progressed.
If anything, I've regressed. I have hopeful plans but I had hopeful plans last year also.
I've had intermittent employment. I even had a relationship briefly.
I think I'm really bad at life. I think Fail should be my legal name.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I'm sure feeling this way and wallowing in it to an extent isn't bringing anyone any solace.
I know it's not helping me.

For my birthday, as a gift to myself, I'm going to ease up. I'm going to give myself a break. I'll not rationalize or excuse my lack of progress. For 24 hours starting tomorrow, I'll stop beating myself up for the quagmire I now find myself in.

I'll wait until Sunday to restart the hand wringing and plotting.

Aging Hoodrats

Today it was cold and rainy in Brooklyn. For the better part of the morning, I stood on a line at the food pantry a few blocks from my house. I got there at 9:45 only to find out that I would be standing there, exposed to this inclement weather, for the next two hours.

Drop by drop, the water started seeping into my bones. Through the coat, the sweater, the hat, the t shirt. My feet were dry but they were freezing.
The women that eventually formed a line behind me were old, ornery and mean. One particularly nasty battle axe asked me why I was holding an umbrella over someone else's head. Asked if she was my granny. I looked her dead in the eye and said, "What does it have to do with you?"
It struck me while I was holding someone's umbrella to prevent her from stabbing me with it any further, that all of these old catty bitches were once young catty bitches.
It struck me further as I watched a fight break out on the line behind me.

Hoodrats get old. Apparently they wear wisdom repellent also.

Today's random question; Why does dried fruit make you shit? Anyone?

Steal NYC

I transferred $2.00 from my savings account so I could get on the subway this afternoon.
My meeting was at 2pm. I made it there, dressed in a beautiful blue suit, pink tie and heels and my aviators.

I looked sharp. A lot of people in my meeting and on the street were kind enough to say so.

On my trip into the city, I ran across a NYT crossword puzzle. What luck.

My trip home was a going to be an ad lib. I had no money to get back and no way to utilize a transfer from my subway ride there. My sneakers were tucked neatly in my bag, ready for the sojourn.

I passed Starbucks, coffee shops, people having lunch in restaurants and cafes. The sun shone brightly and the brisk autumn air lent some much needed energy. If I had to walk back to Brooklyn from midtown, it wasn't a bad day to do it.

The food pantry was closed when I went by yesterday. Not having eaten since the night before, I needed some calories to burn. I shoplifted a chocolate chip cookie from a deli and an apple pie from the farmer's market in Union Square.

I sat peacefully in the park after my meeting and ate my bounty of sweets to fuel myself for the journey home.

Before I started walking, I tried the subway. I hadn't changed into my sneakers yet and didn't want to have to walk all the way to Prospect Heights. Not even on a beautiful day.
The token booth clerk was a woman. Women have no sympathy.I crossed 4th avenue to a different clerk hoping for a man. Hoping for some help. The line never made its way down to less than 4 people. I watched as people came in and out of the subway. I watched one person ask for a swipe and thought begging might work for me also.
One denial was enough. I hung my head in shame glad that everyone within earshot would be on their way in less than the blink of an eye. I watched strollers, art pieces and people with bikes swipe their cards and enter the "Special Entry" door. I watched as the cop on the other side stood with his summons pad within reach. I stood there and watched.

I was ready to walk upstairs, strap on the kicks and start walking.
Then it happened. The cop left his post. Walked right past me to an exit and was gone. I walked over to the "Special Entry" door, helped a woman with her stroller and entered the subway system without paying for it.

I was home in 15 minutes.

I stole lunch, dinner, the hearts of many and a ride home courtesy of the MTA.
I'm also stealing the internet right now.
I should write a book.