Panic

“I’m baaaaack!”
The panic has set in. Again.
I have flour, yeast, salt, pepper, olive oil, several cans of beans, a can of corned beef I refuse to eat, and a few tea bags. That’s my food supply until I get paid again. Which will be…

It’s the second month of the 28th year of my life. I have been in this position more times than I care to admit.
I owe almost $5000 in back rent. I’ll have to put a few dollars in a flex pay account to keep my cell phone on. If I don’t, one of the opportunities I am hoping will change my circumstances may never get through to me.
I’m going to try selling off the furniture piece by piece. If I can’t sell it, maybe I can barter for something. But I don’t know what.

Food?

Antidepressants?

Drugs?

There is a constant knot in my gut that will not be untied until I feel like I have a serious solution to my current financial status.
The worse that can happen is I wind up homeless.

Aside from the back rent I owe, I’ve also racked up an additional $30,000 in debt. Everyone from the IRS to the bank or collection agency that owns my student loans wants to know when I will pay them what I owe.
It’s a fair question. A question I wish to god I had an answer for.

There are always possibilities. There are a few that I am hoping will soon bear fruit. I’m just not sure until I hear from them.

Until then, I can’t really do much.
I do push ups.
I clean, I bake the bread that is sustaining my life.
I wander around like a bum.
I probably resemble a bum in many ways.
Odor.
General likeness. (lots of fatigues)

I try to take my mind off of my troubles by listening to the radio.
I tap into some unsecured wireless network and read mindless celebrity gossip.
I strategize about what to do in case everything falls through.
I fantasize about what I would do if it all works out.
I’ll have to ask someone to take my cat.
This will be heartbreaking.
My cat is my guardian angel.
She keeps me company.
She calms me when I wake up, panic stricken, at 4am imagining the worse.
She’s my companion.
I love her.
I promised her that I would take care of her.
Forever.

Maybe god speaks Aramaic like Jesus. Perhaps it's a simple matter of a language barrier.